Last Straw
by My life is a h0t mess
Summary: This is my little rage quit one shot that was buzzing in my head. It's a crack fic, my kiddes. Rated M for the violence and language. Not meant to be offensive in any way, shape or form. Enjoy. :) **I do not own any form of SpongeBob SquarePants**


Damn it. Late for work, for the first time in...ever. Doesn't matter, the boss is sure to chew my ass out anyway. And I have to put up with the moronic customers, snobby, annoying coworker AND my retarder best friend that latches onto me like a leach. The only good thing about my life is her.

She made my life worth living. She was there to hold me when I cried and listened to me when I was complaining, just as I did for her. She'll never be with me, though, I'm too good of a friend for her to lose me like that.

I sighed as I swung my legs over the side of my bed. I quickly went into my bathroom and allowed myself to have a five-minute rinse in the shower. After I was done with that, I brushed my teeth and got dressed in my brown shorts, white shirt and red tie. I glanced at myself in the mirror.

"I guess I'm ready." I sighed bitterly and went downstairs to feed my pet.

"Meow?" He asked and I raised an eyebrow.

"What? It's raisin bran." I said and the snail looked into his bowl, which was filled to the brim with his favorite cereal. "Eat it or don't. I'm late for work."

I dashed for my front door, while grabbing my work hat off the coffee table, and began to walk to work. How pathetic is that? I'm a goddamn fry cook who hasn't passed his driver's test ONCE. Whatever, as long as I manage to scrape by month after month.

"HI SPONGEBOB!" Damn. It was my neighbor, Patrick. The pink tub of lard managed to get unstuck from his rock of a home and waddled over to me.

"Hey, Pat. What are your plans for the day?" I asked him as we continued to walk. He gave me a stupid grin.

"I'm gonna go to Jelly Fish Fields later. GUESS WHAT I'M GONNA DO THERE!" He said enthusiastically and I sighed.

"Are you going to go jelly fishing?" I asked and he gasped.

"How did you know!?" He asked and I chuckled darkly. Being around him made anyone feel smart.

"Are you going to try to give them hugs again, Pat?" I asked and he nodded vigorously. "You shouldn't do that. You're going to hurt yourself again." I did care about Patrick, he was my best friend, after all.

"Okay, then maybe I can hang out with Larry while you're at work." Patrick said with a smile. I gave him a weak one in return.

Patrick's folks dumped him off at the hospital on the other side of town when he was born. I mostly hung out with him because I pitied him, but he really is a sweet guy overall.

"Well, bud, this is where we go our separate ways." I said as we approached the Krusty Krab, a sorry excuse for a career.

"Alright, SpongyBob, I'll see you at lunch time, okay?" Patrick asked and I nodded slowly.

"Sure, pal." I opened the doors to the sad, deserted eating establishment and walked in.

"Welcome to Hell, TardyPants." Squidward honked a laugh. "Heh. TardyPants. Heh. Play in words. Heh."

"Go fuck yourself, DickWard. Oh, look, ANOTHER play on words." I lashed out and Squidward glared at me.

I rolled my huge blue eyes as I went back into my kitchen. I clocked in and waited for my boss to come yelling at me, but he didn't. I thought that was weird, but I wasn't going to say anything. I was sure Squidward would do it for me sooner or later. I got started, putting patties on the grill and when I heard them sizzle, I felt a little better. I thought the sound of sizzling meat was sexy. Don't tell anyone that. I'd lose all my Kitchen Cred and be made a laughing stock and probably lose my job.

"Hey, two Krabby Patties for table four." Squidward barked and I nodded.

"Yes ma'am." I said and he glared at me for a second time.

"Was that a slur against my sexual orientation?" He asked and I groaned.

"Here we go..."

"Because if so, I will report this to Eugene and-"

"And then, he'll fire me! Wow, did I guess it right!? Get over yourself. Just because the boss is your boy toy, doesn't mean-"

"Why don't you just shut you uneducated, broke mouth and serve the damn patties out to the customers?"

I gripped my spatula and imagined what it would feel like to slap a squid upside the head with it. I took in a deep breath and calmed my homicidal urges for the time being. I put the food on a tray and began to exit my kitchen. I was on my way to table four, when Squidward said something that was the last straw.

"Hey, Eugene! Come look at our little boy, going off to prom with his girlfriend!"

The entire restaurant laughed at me. We had a full house, too. Everyone was there. Even her. My dream girl. The absolute love of my life. Sandy Cheeks. But she wasn't laughing. Instead, she had a loon of pity smeared across her face. I broke the tray I was carrying in half.

"YOU KNOW WHAT!?" I roared and the laughing ceased. "FUCK THIS. FUCK THAT. FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF."

I ran up to Squidward and slammed his head in the cash register repeatedly. I heard the terrified screams of the customers as they all scrambled for the exit. I heard Mr. Krabs gasp.

"No! STOP IT, LAD!" He begged me.

I took Squidward's limp body and placed it in between the door and the door frame. I slammed the door and watched Mr. Krabs' mortified reaction as he vomited violently. That's when I ripped the cash register off the the counter and swung it around until it collided with the head of my ex-boss. I kept hitting him, even after I knew he was dead.

"ARGH, MATEY!" I laughed evilly. This was the best time I've had in work since I got here! "SHIVER ME TIMBERS! AHAHAAAA!"

"SpongeBob!" It was her. I turned around and there she was.

"S-Sandy?" I asked and she nodded. I looked down at my hands, covered in the blood of my victims.

"That was...hot." She said and I gasped. I stood up and turned to face her.

"You...you don't hate me?" I asked and she shook her head.

"I couldn't hate you. I love you." She said and I almost shed a tear. "Let's scram before the cops get here." She suggested and I nodded.

She grabbed my hand and we ran out the back exit. I was finally happy. I killed the two people I hated the most ad the love of my life loves me back! I couldn't think of how it could get any better.

"SpongeBob?" Sandy asked when we were just past the sign that welcomed you to Bikini Bottom.

"Yes, love?" I asked and she took in a breath.

"ERRR! ERR! ERR!"

And then I woke up. My alarm clock was going off and I slammed my hand to turn it off. It was all a dream. I need a therapist.

"SpongeBob! Are you comin' or what!?" It was Patrick. I walked over to my window and looked outside. Everyone was there. Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Pat, Larry, Phil, Nancy, even Sandy. I gave a small smile and nodded. I got ready for the Bar-B-Q I almost forgot about and went outside.

"Meow meow." Gary said and I sighed.

"Yeah. Same dream. Everyone is so mean to me in my subconscious. Meaner than usual, anyway." I admitted and he nodded.

"Meow."

"You're right. Let's just go have fun outside."

I opened the front door and joined everyone a the gathering. Sandy greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek through her glass helmet.

"Hi, SpongeBob!" She said with a smile and I returned it.

"I'd like to take a moment." Mr. Krabs said ad stood on top of a soap box. "Now, I know that sometimes, we get into fights, but at the end of the day, we should all know that we're friends. Right?" He asked and everyone cheered.

"And I'd like to say something too." I said. "I do care for all of you. Even when I get angry, just know that I could never truly hate any of you." Everyone cheered again and went back to socializing.

"That was nice." Sandy commented and I nodded.

"Thanks. But, I care for you the most, Sandy. I always have." I admitted blushing. When I expected rejection, Sandy gave me one of her warm-blooded embraces.

"It's about time you said something." She said. She pulled away and hand my hand for the rest of the gathering.

And they lived happily ever after. (And they had little fishy-squirrel babies) 3


End file.
